The “Proselytize Knitting” Badge - A requirement for all Knitting Scouts, the recipient must do his or her bit to present knitting in a positive light, whilst at the same time avoiding all references to “hipness”, grandmothers, and yoga. Got this one - easy, right?
The “MacGyver” Badge (Level One) - The recipient must demonstrate clever use of a non-knitting tool in a knitting-related scenario. For instance, recipient has used paper clips as stitch markers, or successfully whittled and then utilized bamboo skewers as dpns. Definitely got this one - hubby just made me some size 2 DPNs out of skewers today! Hmmm...maybe HE gets the badge - well, I'm taking credit for it because..............well, because I can!
The “MacGyver” Badge (Level Two) - The recipient must demonstrate clever use of a knitting tool in a non-knitting-related scenario. For instance, recipient has used a strand of Regia Bamboo to slice cheese, or repaired a small appliance with a metal knitting needle. Hmmm, am I anal if I would never let someone use one of my needles to repair an appliance? Does keeping your bun in place with a knitting needle count? Yes? Great! Got this one too then.
The “MacGyver” Badge (Level Three) - The recipient must demonstrate clever use of a knitting tool in a non-knitting-related scenario working towards the Greater Good. For instance, recipient used a Clover yarn cutter, a 30” Addi Turbo circular needle, and a copy of Elizabeth Zimmerman’s Knitting Without Tears to foster world peace. I better stop with the level 2 badge.......
The “I’ve Been Published in a Knitting Magazine” badge - The recipient has been published in a print or online knitting magazine. Nope, not yet.
The “I’ve Been Rejected by a Knitting Magazine” Badge - The recipient has had a design or article rejected by a print or online knitting magazine. Nope, not yet.
The “I’ve Written a Knitting Book” Badge - The recipient has written and published a book in which knitting patterns and beautifully photographed knitting feature prominently; Or, the recipient has written and published a book in which he/she writes eloquently about the knitting experience. No extra credit, but proper snaps if the recipient actually makes any money at it. I have one in progress so I'll take a 1/2 of a badge here. I mean, come on! I need all the badge credit I can get! I'm putting these things on my "accomplishments" page in my book!
The “I Host a Knitting Podcast” Badge - The recipient hosts a podcast in which knitting is a primary focus. Presumes a thorough understanding of rss feeds, and skype recording with minimal audio disruption. Recipient must demonstrate ability to make oneself sound way smarter in a podcast than in person. Nope.
The “I Can Be an Asshole When It Comes To Knitting” Badge - In which the recipient is so passionate, opinionated and entirely convinced of his/her own superior knowledge about all things knitting, that he/she may appear pompous, rude, or self-righteous. Totally have this one. My husband knows the look too -- that's when he knows to go pour wine immediately.
The “Knitting Whilst Under the Influence” Badge - This applies to both actual knitting under the influence, as well as achieving moments of stunning intellectual clarity about ones knitting under the influence. Presumes talking about knitting whilst under the influence a given. Oh, for sure.....see the above badge. Do you know there are people out there who think that knitters don't drink?? Seriously!
The “I Will Impress You With My Math Prowess” Badge - The recipient is a whiz at substituting yarns and calculating gauge, can space increases and decreases evenly and is fully comfortable with the basic math encountered in all knitting projects. I can claim this one.
The “I Will Crush You With My Math Prowess” Badge - The recipient has applied the principles of higher mathematics to knitting including, but not limited to hyperbolic planes, Fibonacci sequences, Klein bottles, Moebius strips, fractals and Flying Spaghetti Monster hats. I cannot claim this one - the math only goes far enough to get me through a sweater.
The “Inordinately Fond of Novelty Yarn” Badge - In which the recipient professes an arguably unhealthy affinity for yarn with slubs, sparkles, spangles, fur, feathery bits, and an unconscionable proportion of man-made fibre. Recipient makes no apology for the preference. This badge I am actually proud NOT to own.
The “Knitting Has Forced Me to Seek Medical Attention” Badge (Level One) – In which the recipient has been forced to seek the advice of a medical doctor, nurse, or alternative healthcare professional for injuries sustained as a result of knitting. I guess that's like a "I stabbed myself in the eye with a needle" kind of thing? Nope, can't claim this one. I'm a nurse - does that count? OK - I'm reaching.......
The “Knitting Has Forced Me to Seek Medical Attention” Badge (Level Two) - In which the recipient has been forced to seek the advice of a medical doctor, nurse, or alternative healthcare professional, in a hospital emergency room, for injuries sustained as a result of knitting. Nah, I have been tempted to kill someone with my needles once though.
The “I’ve Knit Items With No Conceivable Practical Application” Badge - Recipients are those “special” campers who have knit items which somehow missed the mark of their intended application. There are probably more who are deserving of this badge than one would expect. Oh, totally.
The “Knitting Got Me Through My Divorce” Badge - Better for you than wine, easier to care for than a houseful of cats, knitting probably kept you busy, and definitely kept you sane, while you navigated your way back to single life. You’re better off without him/her, honey. Unfortunately I didn't know how to knit when I got divorced.
The “Knitting Caused My Divorce” Badge - Maybe your spouse didn’t fully appreciate your chosen lifestyle, or maybe you were caught in a lie about the frequency you were having S.E.X. outside the relationship, either way you can trace beginning of the end back to your obsessive need to knit. Not yet, my husband seems amazingly tolerant so I think I'm ok here.
Total number of badges for the Knit Witch (drumroll please) = 7 1/2 - Oh you better believe I'm claiming that half!!